Us, women assume that guys always want some. But the fact is, men’s sexuality is way more complicated. Here, some surprising truths.

Men are simple creatures who want sex all the time. They don’t give much thought to what their partner wants. Their sexuality is aggressive and dominating. These are some of the commonly held stereotypes about male sexuality. As a society, we collectively agree that women’s sexuality is nuanced and complex but men’s is simple. That’s actually not the case, and debunking a few key myths can help us navigate the tricky terrain of relationships and sex.

Why do these myths exist in the first place? Because the majority of studies on male sexuality are done on college guys, so we know very little about the psychology of sex in men in their 20s, 30s and beyond.

The assumption is that men always feel desire, so why study them? This is what you need to know;

Fantasy 1: He’s Raring to Go 24/7

We think of women’s sexuality as deeply psychological. We need closeness and deeper intimacy to feel turned on. On the other hand, we think that the sexuality of men is a simple biological force. They are always ready and interested, regardless of their mood or emotions. But in reality, men and women are more alike than different and in fact, men’s internal lives are just as influential in their sexuality as women’s are. The difference is that when men are anxious, they may be more likely to turn to sex as a comfort. It can help to realize that men are driven by a fear of inadequacy and to be competent in all aspects of their male identity.

Fantasy 2: He Only Cares About His Own Climax

We tend to think that men care less about their partner than women do, but their drive to be competent and to satisfy their partner and to perform – all of the is about his relationship with you. We know that men are uncomfortable with the fact that they don’t always know if a woman is faking it. The thing is, a man is often deeply insecure about pleasing a woman, and if he can’t, he may feel so terrible that he will close himself off. Think about the expression “He gives her an orgasm”. He’s learned that pleasure is something he must give you and that he has to do it by himself. That’s not true, of course. Often it’s enjoyable for a woman to touch herself during sex, but nobody teaches that in sex ed, so many men feel that it’s all up to them. If can’t get you there, rather than saying it’s no big deal, cheer him up and encourage him to explore different ways and figure it out.

Fantasy 3: Tender Sex is a Turn-Off

We spend a lot of time talking about the predatory nature of men. A lot of guys struggle with that these days – how to be assertive without being aggressive. But are domination and aggression really a part of who men are, or are they a way of overcoming their insecurities? Men grow up feeling expected to be knowledgeable in bed. In order to compensate themselves for feeling insecure, they may resort to sexual aggression. In hetero sex and dating, most men have been rejected many times than women have. That’s one reason why porn is so attractive to a lot of men. All this points to the fact that men are much more complicated than women often believe. Their sexuality is directly tied to their feelings and most guys don’t talk about it to other men. Truth to be told, it’s not that men don’t crave tenderness and connection, but many don’t even allow themselves to acknowledge their need for it.

None of us has it easy. But encouraging guys to open up can help a lot of couples.